Grief and Relationships

Let’s talk about grief, baby. Let’s talk about you and me. Let’s talk about all the good things and the bad things that may be. Let’s talk about grief…

I have mentioned that my deep grief – or at least some of the ways in which I dealt with my grief – caused a great deal of harm to my relationships.

Now, before I go any deeper, I need to put in my disclaimer:

I will ALWAYS accept and hold myself accountable for MY harmful behaviors (even if the harm was completely unintentional).  However, I will ONLY carry MINE and MINE alone. I will NOT hold myself responsible for the behavior of others, even if said behaviors are in response to my own behavior.  

We can only control OUR OWN behavior.  We are not responsible for the behavior of others – especially grown-ass adults. 

Period. Full Stop.

After the initial throat punch of my brother’s death, I stuffed my grief down DEEP.

I didn’t turn to anyone for comfort. I went through the motions of living and isolated myself as much as I could possibly get away with.

For about the first year, I drank way too much, before receiving a strong message to sober the fuck up from an impromptu divination on my back deck someone offered to do the weekend of my eldest child’s high school graduation.

However, even when I slowed way the hell down on drinking to near-sobriety, I distracted myself from my grief.

The way I handled my grief over the loss of my brother almost cost me my marriage, and my relationship with my boyfriend.

It wasn’t until August of 2022, when [after almost 9 years together] my boyfriend said he needed to take some time to think about what he wants, needs, and how that affects and may change our relationship.

My husband and boyfriend are two very different people when it comes to handling others’ difficult emotions.

Neither is better than the other; they are just different.

My husband just wants to “fix it”. He wants to “fix” everything; and when he cannot fix it, he gets frustrated and doesn’t know what to do other than make his support known and give that person space. He knew what I was doing, but at the same time, I would often hear “I miss my wife”.

So, I would try harder to at least give off the appearance that I was more present.

We started marriage counseling before my brother passed; and our therapist really helped us tremendously after my brother died. Our therapist also insisted I get some individual therapy.

But, for him, I still felt this need to pack down my grief.

My boyfriend on the other hand, wants his Beloveds to lean on him and let it ALL out, while he holds and comforts them. He wants to take care of that Beloved while they are a complete mess. He wants to be that rock.

It reminds me of Pyornkrachzark (the Rock Biter) in The Neverending Story wanting so desperately to hold onto his friends while the Nothing sweeps through.

He will dutifully carry the weight of everyone’s shit while burying his own at the bottom of his shoes.

When one of your Beloveds (in this situation, that would be me) does the exact same thing with their own shit and everyone else’s, things can get very messy and frustrating.

For many of us – especially us caregivers – when our very Loved and Treasured Beloveds are in pain of some variety and they neither reach out, nor accept the kind of comfort and support we not only think they need, but we desperately want to give, it hurts. Our egos, whether we want to admit it or not, take a bit of a beating and we take it personally.

By disappearing into myself and my distractions, not only was I not reaching out and clinging to this Abundance of Love, Comfort, and Support, I wasn’t exactly communicating or showing up for him either.

When he told me towards the end of a rough summer that he needed to take some time to figure out what he wants and needs and reevaluate our relationship, it rocked me to my very core. For two weeks we barely spoke. For two weeks, I couldn’t stop crying. For two weeks, I was a complete fucking mess.

My husband was amazing. He did everything he knew he could do to support me and my grief (supporting your partners while they grieve their other relationships is a whole other blog).

I was angry. I was hurt. I didn’t understand.

That summer had been a breaking point, I think.

I was very absent in both physical body and spirit. We barely saw each other that summer. And then I made a choice to not show up for a weekend I should have.

I have replayed that particular incident in my head so many, many times and carried so much guilt over not showing up.  

While on the one hand I REALLY should’ve known better, on the other hand if needs were expressed, I would’ve absolutely shown up.

So, I pulled ALL the blame onto my shoulders.  I hadn’t been a good girlfriend.

The first time I sat down to write about this months ago, the words and lessons looked very different than they do now. As time has passed, as it does, and my Spirit Team put me in this oh so delightful place where I have had no choice but to deal with my shit, my perspective has done some shifting and therefore, so have the lessons I have needed to experience and figure out.

There have been a lot of conversations. A lot of boundaries were drawn. On my end (I cannot speak for Tim), there have been more tears than raindrops in the Amazon Rainforests. There have been a LOT of times (and sometimes, honestly, still are) I have wanted to cut and run.

While I understand that Tim did not want to talk to me about how I wasn’t meeting his needs, because he saw the weight I was carrying and he has his own gremlins, he also made the conscious decision to wait as long as he did before he said something.

By the time he finally said something, so much damage had been done that he rebuilt walls around his heart that we worked so diligently to bring down over the years.

I couldn’t see his pain through my pain, but if he communicated with me sooner, we would not be where we are. 

There is absolutely no doubt in my mind, heart, and soul that I would have readjusted my grief navigation and behavior to work with him to make sure both of our needs were being met.

Where we were once getting pretty damned good at communicating our needs to each other, we were both failing miserably – mainly because we didn’t want to burden the other.

How brutally ironic that our deep desire not to burden the other with our needs caused so much damage to our relationship that walls that were so painstakingly taken down surged back up with a vengeance, appearing to be impenetrable due to the conscious decision to keep them that way. 

Personally, I have run the gamut of emotions – several times.  

If I am completely honest, I’m still running.

There are still days I want to burn it all down and walk away.

There are days when I just want to physically cling to him for hours.

I find myself wondering if there is still a candle lit in his heart for love, for his commitment to me or us.

I’m angry that he didn’t talk to me sooner.

I’m frustrated that he insists on keeping his walls up yet yearns for me to let mine down.

I’m terrified that he’ll keep dragging this relationship purgatory out until I can no longer hold this space for him, and I’m forced to either present an ultimatum or I must walk away.

I don’t need promises or visions of what things will look like in the future. 

I need to once again be sure of his love and “being in this”.

His love always felt safe and steadfast.

I feel like I am clinging to a lifeboat floating in the ocean, looking and yearning for the safe harbor that was once there, but I’m not so sure it exists anymore.

Had this been ANYONE else, I would’ve burnt it all down and walked away months ago.

But.

But this isn’t anyone else.

This is the man who has shown up for me time and time again and never before that August has he been a complete asshole.

Sure, we got into arguments, but he’s not someone I would call an asshole.

We’ve been through the wringer a time or two or ten.

We have both acknowledged the pain we have caused each other and the damage we have done to our relationship. We have made the decision together to continue to walk together and see how our relationship develops from here.

Some of you may think, “Well, you’re married, so if you lose him, it’s no big deal, right? You still have your husband.”

WRONG.

Ethical Polyamorous relationships don’t work that way.

While my connection with my boyfriend is different from my connection with my husband, our relationship is as important to me as my marriage.

I have absolutely no desire to find out what life is like without Tim as my romantic partner.

I wouldn’t give up any less if we were married.

I can still be angry and frustrated, but there is also nothing I can do concerning the actions and thoughts of others; MOST of the time (thanks to all the Work I’ve been “forced” to do), I am able to let the anger and frustration go to help me move forward and do what I need to do.

Lately, I have been bombarded with reminders of how short life really is. Gods forbid something happens to me or him, I will have zero regrets about telling him how I feel about him, how very treasured he is, and how I want to spend my life loving him as deeply as I do.

There may come a time when he tells me that I’m not what he wants or needs anymore.

However, until that time or the time when I just can’t do it anymore, I’m here for it, for him.

As we Grow, Shift, and Change, so do our Needs and Desires, and so do our relationships.

One thing the grief of losing my brother and the grief of losing whatever I had with Tim has taught me is that even when I am in the throes of feelings that don’t feel awesome, I need to be cognizant of how I let them affect my other relationships.

Again, while we cannot control the actions of others, we have COMPLETE control over our behavior.

That means SEEKING HELP when you need it.

That means COMMUNICATING so others can understand what you need and want from them.

It is impossible to live up to unspoken expectations in any relationship.

You cannot do it, and neither can the people with whom you have a relationship.