What’s good For the Goose is Good For the Gander

What’s Good for the Goose, is Good for the Gander

Growth means being willing to honestly explore our “Darkness”, our vulnerabilities, our fears, our challenges; admitting we have them; and then DOING THE WORK to navigate them PRODUCTIVELY to ENHANCE our Lives and our Relationships.

“What’s good for the goose is good for the gander and vice versa” 

It’s a saying that often comes to my mind with polyamorous people AND even when I’m dealing with my own polyamorous gremlins.

It is very “easy” to say but can be far more difficult to put into practice.

I have found that the longer the relationship, the more difficult it can be at times to shift our mindsets around our partners starting new relationships.

For example: Chris and Taylor have been dating for several years and while Chris has had multiple partners for the duration of their relationship, Taylor’s only serious relationship has been with Chris.

Chris encourages Taylor to start dating someone else, but when Taylor starts dating, Chris’s gremlins go into over-drive (even if Chris encouraged Taylor to date THAT particular person).

This situation can go several ways.

Chris is human. Human emotions like jealousy are perfectly normal. Those asshole gremlins yelling in Chris’s head is perfectly normal.

How Chris responds is Chris’s call and no one else’s. Not Taylor’s and certainly not Taylor’s new partner’s.

I’ve said this before and I will say it over and over: While we may not always be able to control how we feel in any given situation, we can ALWAYS control how we respond to the situation.  The ONE THING we can ALWAYS control is OUR behavior. Not anyone else’s, just ours.

When Tim started dating other women, I definitely had some feelings, thoughts, anxieties that I did not enjoy. My gremlins were brutal. But underneath it all, I heard, “What’s good for the goose…” “Yea, yea, yea. I know. I hear you. Shut the fuck up, damnit. Stop being reasonable”

So, I had to get a little vulnerable and have some tough conversations.  I had to explain to Tim what I needed (open, open, open communication and lots of it). I also had to LISTEN and hear what Tim told me he needed or what he was feelinging/thinking.  

It is quite possible to have compersion and be happy about your partner dating others, AND have to wrestle with feelings of jealousy.

Again, it is how YOU CHOOSE to deal with all of those uncomfortable feelings that can make or break your relationship.

I have had the opportunity to speak with so many people whose partners REFUSE to admit jealousy of any kind and instead put all the blame on their partners or on their metamour.  

Another example: Chris blames Taylor for every mis-step, every miscommunication, and Taylor can neither say nor do anything right. Or, Taylor’s new partner is automatically taking up all of Taylor’s time and is not being considerate of Chris and Taylor’s relationship.

Chris refuses to take any responsibility for their own behavior and insecurities, and in turn, gaslights the hell out of Taylor and Taylor’s new partner.

Once more: while we cannot always control the way we feel, we CAN ALWAYS control what we do with those emotions and how we express them.  (I’m seeing a trend here)

Ego can be a bitch.  Especially in the world of Polyamory.

There are some poor souls who seem to have convinced themselves that if they are at all jealous or insecure then they shouldn’t be in a polyamorous relationship.  Or if their partners are experiencing anything but the fullest compersion, then their partners just aren’t cut out for polyamory.

Bullshit.

I’ve had people come to me with sadness and confusion because their partners managed to convince them that any kind of jealousy or insecurity is bad and has no place in the world of non-monogamy and neither do they. 

Beloveds, non-monogamy will take you for an immense, emotional roller coaster ride and part of that ride is learning how to deal with not only OUR insecurities but working with our partners through their insecurities.

However, the ONLY way this can even begin to happen is if EVERYONE steps up to the table and lays their cards out, showing their vulnerable hands. 

Working through these insecurities takes having difficult conversations not only with our partners, but with ourselves as well. 

If we cannot understand and admit that insecurities and sometimes jealousy are normal emotions that CAN be worked through, then we probably have no business in the world of non-monogamy.

Non-monogamy is definitely not for everyone. If it isn’t something you are comfortable with, then that is okay. Letting your partner coerce you into trying when your entire Being rages against it, isn’t okay.

But, if non-monogamy does appeal to you (even if it scares you a little), then “hear me” when I tell you that insecurities and jealousies are BOUND to happen at some point. Maybe not right away.  Maybe you’ve convinced yourself you aren’t a jealous person.  

I’ve known many of those people… and at some point, they do get jealous and they are some of the most difficult people to work with when they do. 

Many of those people become like our friend Chris.

Life is about change, growth, and evolving.

Growth doesn’t always feel good. In fact, the majority of my growth/growing moments have been painful AF.

Growth means being willing to honestly explore our “Darkness”, our vulnerabilities, our fears, our challenges; admitting we have them; and then DOING THE WORK to navigate them PRODUCTIVELY to ENHANCE our Lives and our Relationships.

To do anything but this is likely to bring nothing but heartache, frustration, anger, and resentment, ultimately destroying a potentially healthy relationship.

If having more than one partner is good for you to be able to do, it needs to be okay for your partner(s) to have that same option.

If you find yourself in your own muck of self-set double standards, then do the work to navigate your way out of it without gaslighting others. Time to get vulnerable if not with your partner, then with a trusted, polyamorous friend, spiritual leader, counselor, or coach.

If you find yourself in the muck of your partner’s double standards, it’s time for some difficult conversations with your partner and with yourself.  If you find yourself being gaslit or blamed for ALL the miscommunication (because let’s face it, if we don’t communicate well, we need to own it – especially if we want our partners to own their own mis-steps), then you need to ask yourself how much you are willing to tolerate.  How long are you willing to tolerate your partner not taking responsibility for their own feelings and behaviors?  How many conversations are you willing to go through if they all end the same with you being left holding the entire load?

No one can answer those questions for you but you. A heartfelt, vulnerable, honest conversation with a trusted friend, spiritual leader, counselor, or coach may be able to help you find the answers you need. They may not be the answers you want, but the ones you need.

What’s Good for the Goose is Good for the Gander. If it’s okay for your partner to do and it’s something you want to do, then it should be okay for you to do and warrants conversations.