I had this war going on inside of me where I wanted so desperately to feel compersion and did not want to give up, but at the same time, I was so terrified of not matching up to any of John’s girlfriends. I was terrified he wanted to be with them more than me. I was convinced he was going to leave me.  He also battled with the same fears.

A pet peeve of mine in the consensual non-monogamy community is the false belief/idea that if you are non-monogamous you shouldn’t be jealous – EVER.

Would it shift your perspective if I told you that the jealousy you feel usually stems from insecurity?

Jealousy is natural.  It’s as natural as anger, sadness, and joy.

Jealousy can be toxic.  Especially if we don’t address the root of it and wade through the mess.

What if jealousy isn’t an emotion but a symptom of other emotions?

My therapist stated that anger is not an emotion but a symptom of other emotions.

Think about that for a moment.

When do we get angry?  When we feel helpless, betrayed, wronged, or have difficult emotions we don’t know how to deal with?

That’s when I feel the most anger.  Is jealousy any different?

I’ve been in this consensual non-monogamy world for close to 15 years and I have not only done battle with my gremlins surrounding jealousy, but also that of my husband.

For YEARS my husband was one of those who loved to tout that he “never got jealous”.

It took a LOT OF WORK for us to be able to have PRODUCTIVE conversations around jealousy that would, at times, become full-fledged fights.

I had this war going on inside of me where I wanted so desperately to feel compersion and did not want to give up, but at the same time, I was so terrified of not matching up to any of John’s girlfriends. I was terrified he wanted to be with them more than me. I was convinced he was going to leave me.  He also battled with the same fears.

Fear can be productive and heighten our senses.  We also need to be aware that It can also be incredibly toxic and keep us stunted.

Despite the work I do in helping others navigate through their difficult emotions, I STRUGGLE dealing with my own sucky emotions – even more so expressing them.

John is a “fixer”.  He’s a logical person and he tries to fix emotional challenges with logic but that doesn’t always work so well and he hates it.

If I came to him with my insecurities and jealousies, his response would be to get angry, call me out on my double-standard behavior, and instead of talking it out just blurt out, “Fine! I’ll just end it! What else do you want me to do?”

He was hearing but not listening.

I couldn’t communicate to him in a way that said in a way he would understand, “I need you to not be angry. Know that I recognize this as my issue and I just need you to listen, hold me, and love me while I work through this.”

We had to work to find the root issues of those feelings of jealousy.  A lot of it had to do with money, time, and self-esteem.

There were times when he made time and had money to go out with whomever he was dating, but never enough for us to go out.

Needless to say, it took a lot of work on ourselves and our marriage.  Working through the jealousies and focusing on what the other needs to feel secure.

So…  You’re experiencing challenges with jealousy, what now?

It’s time to take a deep look at yourself and your relationship.

Ask yourself:  

Why are you feeling jealous?

What are you feeling insecure about? Why?

Is your partner behaving in some way that leaves you feeling like they don’t value you?

Do you have fears of abandonment?

Is your partner doing everything they know to do to reassure you that they love you and have no intention or desire to leave, 

Bonus Question:  Are you speaking each other’s Love Languages?

I like to play a little game called “And then what?”.

Take a situation that causes fear.  Ask yourself the question you fear most. It can be “What if that partner falls in love with their new partner?” “What if that partner ends up leaving me?”  Whatever it is, ask it.

Then ask yourself “And then what?”. 

What would you do? Meltdown? Okay, “and then what?” 

*** IF EVER YOUR ANSWER IS TO HURT YOURSELF OR OTHERS, SEEK HELP. IMMEDIATELY. NO PROBLEM -ESPECIALLY WITH A PARTNER IS WORTH HURTING YOURSELF OR OTHERS OVER. PLEASE GO GET HELP***

Maybe your answer after the meltdown is to seek counseling or coaching and that’s GREAT! 

And then what?

See where this is going?

If your partner is behaving in ways that are making you feel insecure, it’s time to have a difficult discussion.

Remember, use “I” statements: “I feel ___ when you___” 

NOT “You make me feel”!!! Stay away from that shit. No one makes you feel anything.

Certain situations or behaviors may “trigger” us and bring up painful, or maybe joyful, emotions within us. But no one can “make” us do or feel anything.

This by no means excuses shitty behavior though.

If your partner is closed off to working with you to help address the insecurity and continues the hurtful behavior, it may be time to re-evaluate your relationship.

I’ve come across people who think jealousy is unacceptable and will stop spending time with that jealous partner to spend time with partners who aren’t jealous.

There is a HUGE difference between acknowledging feelings of jealousy and dealing with them PRODUCTIVELY.

If your partner is the one feeling jealous and comes to you in a way that shows they want to work through them, it may be possible that your behavior (whether intentional or not) is inconsiderate of those feelings.  You may need to take a good, hard, honest look at your behavior and make some apologies and adjustments.

If your behavior IS intentional, then you may need to reevaluate your relationship and figure out why you are behaving this way.

When having these difficult conversations, it’s SO important to have them when you are both calm – or at least calm enough to be able to LISTEN to what your partner is saying to you.

It should go without saying.  Have these conversations when SOBER.

The more you feel the effects of alcohol, the more raw these feelings get and the less likely you are to be able to truly LISTEN OR be able to communicate your feelings PRODUCTIVELY.

The worst of our fights around jealousy happened when we both had too much to drink.

It took me ENTIRELY TOO LONG to get to the point where I flat-out refused to have any kind of serious discussion around our relationship if EITHER of us had too much to drink.

Remember, jealousy is normal and natural, but it’s also a symptom of something deeper.  The trick is to figure out and then address that root cause.

It takes a lot of hard, messy work, but the end result will be priceless.