Taking your non-monogamous relationship to a different level has the potential to provide an opportunity to push yourself out of your comfort zone and into a whole new level of emotional, physical, and even spiritual pleasure that you never dreamed possible.

It also has the potential to become very ugly and very messy very quickly. 

As we mature our needs and desires can tend to change.

Part of what makes relationships successful is allowing room for that change.

Because my work centers around romantic relationships, namely consensual non-monogamous relationships, I want to address those as opposed to platonic, familial, or professional.

I would like to start this out by stating that not all couples who enter into the realm of consensual non-monogamy start out the same.  I have known many to begin their journey in the swinging lifestyle.

For many couples, it may start as “just about the sex.”  Whether it is same-room, same-house/club, or separate play, there is a variety to suit almost everyone’s needs and desires.

But what happens when one partner wants to take things to another level or aspect and the other isn’t quite sure about it?

This could range anywhere from playing in separate rooms; to dating together; dating separately; or maybe dating another gender.  Maybe someone’s started to develop feelings for another partner when before it was just “supposed to be about the sex”.

Taking your non-monogamous relationship to a different level has the potential to provide an opportunity to push yourself out of your comfort zone and into a whole new level of emotional, physical, and even spiritual pleasure that you never dreamed possible.

It also has the potential to become very ugly and very messy very quickly. 

I’m talkin’ lightning speed messy.

When it gets messy, it CAN become dangerous, manipulative, and abusive.

There are HEALTHY AND PRODUCTIVE ways of navigating these situations – even if they turn into arguments.

Arguments are never ideal, but when done respectfully, they can become productive.

You may have heard it over and over but, the key to any successful relationship is communication.

Some of the key ingredients to successful communication are:

• understanding how the other person communicates
• actively listening
• using “I” statements
• trying to get curious before getting upset
• being all-around respectful

Most of us just want to feel heard in any conversation, but particularly in the more challenging conversations.

Yet, many of us just listen to respond, not to HEAR what our partners are trying to tell us – ESPECIALLY when they are saying things we either don’t agree with or don’t want to hear.

For example, Chris tells their partner Taylor that they want to start dating separately and that there is a specific person they want to date – but, it will only be about the sex.

Taylor immediately says it’s not something they are comfortable with, so no.

Instead of getting curious about why Taylor is uncomfortable with it and trying to get to the root, which is likely due to some insecurities, Chris blows up and a fight ensues.

Taylor either:

• stands firm in their decision because fuck Chris for not hearing them enough to understand there is fear and insecurity behind the answer; 
• maybe because the very idea of Chris wanting to play without them is also bringing up a ton of insecurities and delivering blows to Taylor’s self-esteem
• maybe Taylor is “certain” this will certainly lead to emotions and that is terrifying for them
• is afraid that Chris is going to do whatever they want to do whether Taylor likes it or not; doesn’t like Chris being angry with them and eventually gives in.

And then what?

Neither person feels seen, heard, or respected by the other.

I have found that when we give our partner “permission” to go deeper into their feelings instead of immediately reacting, then our partner is more likely to show us the same courtesy.

If we get curious about why our partner gave us a certain answer (especially one we might not like), then perhaps our partner will feel safe enough to explore the deeper emotions behind their answer.

And maybe, just MAYBE, once we both understand those emotions, we can work on addressing and soothing those emotions TOGETHER.

And maybe, just MAYBE, once we address those deeper emotions, our partner will genuinely feel that as long as certain boundaries are in place or agreements are made, they will be willing to start exploring that next level.

And maybe, just MAYBE, if we help our partners explore and begin to work through their challenging emotions, they will help us work through ours when we have them.

When we are intimately intertwined emotionally, physically, and even spiritually with someone, we should feel safe enough to explore those deeper, darker, more challenging emotions with them.

We should be able to get vulnerable with them without the fear of them getting angry or upset with us for having these feelings.

It’s a problem if your partner doesn’t feel emotionally safe with you.

It can be so much of a problem that it may be time to re-evaluate your relationship or get some outside help from a coach or therapist.

Forcing your partner to feel that they must choose between taking things to another level or losing you without BOTH of you taking the time to REALLY try to understand and resolve the deeper needs, emotions, and desires is NEVER okay.

It’s not healthy and it can be abusive.

It’s okay to seek help when trying to work through these more challenging discussions together. A coach or therapist may prove to be invaluable in helping you and your partner(s) better communicate with and understand each other.

This, in turn, can help you grow TOGETHER and get to new levels within your relationship, or find another healthy solution where you both feel seen, heard, and loved.

Coercion is not okay.

Lying is not ok.

Manipulation is not okay.

If after you have both done everything you can to find a solution that makes you BOTH happy, but cannot find one, it may be time to re-evaluate your relationship.

What’s important is to be Patient with each other.

Get curious.

Be respectful.

Be honest with yourselves and each other.

Remember to treat your partner how you would want to be treated if the shoe was on the other foot, because remember “What’s Good for the Goose, Is Good for the Gander”.