Seeing your partner swept up in NRE can be frustrating no matter how long you’ve been polyamorous. If you’re relatively new to polyamory, it can be agonizing.

Polyamory can force you to deal with all your shit.  Working through NRE with your partner is a perfect example of it.

NRE, or “New Relationship Energy”, is used to explain the high levels of dopamine and norepinephrine that flood our brains when we start dating someone we REALLY, REALLY like.  It can wash all of our logic and sense away before we realize what hit us. Add that to decreasing levels of serotonin (which are the hormones that tell us we are fulfilled, satisfied, and have “enough”).

Seeing your partner swept up in NRE can be frustrating no matter how long you’ve been polyamorous. If you’re relatively new to polyamory, it can be agonizing.

What’s worse is there is no time limit to how long NRE can last.  It can be incredibly difficult, if not impossible, to grow as an individual and as a couple without doing the work and facing your gremlins.

I felt it with Tim for the first two years, only to have it reignite when we finally admitted to and started professing our feelings.

John is currently in it with his new girlfriend and is fucking giddy – so giddy, it’s almost annoying.

Thankfully, I am in a place where I can say he’s annoying and I can laugh at his giddiness (which I NEVER could with his other girlfriends). I can also now roll my eyes at the grumpiness that he sometimes exhibits when he’s not hanging out with her.

But I cannot stress enough how much WORK it took BOTH of us to get to this point.

Fortunately, if you’re willing to do the work, the growth that happens can bring you and your partner freedom and happiness that you can only begin to imagine.

For example, John is free to revel in his NRE and I’m free to not feel threatened or bothered by it.  I can even enjoy the entertainment of watching him act like a giddy, love-sick schoolboy.

For those of you who are ready to at least start the work, let’s get to it.

While the persons in the throes of NRE CANNOT HELP the chemicals their brains are producing (which are quite literally like crack cocaine), they CAN choose how they behave towards ALL of their partners.

Let’s work out NRE with “Chris” and “Taylor”.

Chris has a new partner and EVERY FUCKING TIME Taylor turns around, Chris is talking/texting with or about their new partner, or asking about being able to make plans with them.

Chris has made no effort to spend any “date” time with Taylor. They live together, so they see each other all the time, but they’ve not carved out time to go out, or even enjoy a television show or movie together.

Chris’s fuse may be a little short when they are at home. It may be even shorter if or when Taylor expresses needs or desires for mundane stuff that would interrupt or get in the way of Chris’s time with their new partner.

Taylor, on the other hand, may feel like they are obliged just to shove everything down even though their asshole gremlins are telling Taylor that Chris doesn’t want to spend any time with them; or that Chris loves and likes this new partner more than they love or like Chris.

Or Taylor has emotional outbursts that, to Chris, seem to come out of nowhere. Maybe Taylor has meltdowns every time Chris goes out with the new partner and makes excuses for Chris to come home early or not go out. Or maybe Taylor does everything they can to make Chris feel like an asshole for wanting to spend time with the new partner.

I’ve been there. I’ve been both Taylor and Chris. 

You aren’t alone if you fit the bill for either of our characters.

We take our past experiences and behaviors, and if we are wise and want to grow and evolve, we learn from them and we APPLY that knowledge.

It does NO ONE any good if you acknowledge unhealthy or abusive behavior and make amends, only to do it all over again.

I will always tell you that the key to any successful relationship (romantic or otherwise) is strong, healthy, respectful communication.

It is the responsibility of EACH partner to not only check in with each other but to REALLY LISTEN to what their partners are asking of or telling them.

No matter how difficult it can be to speak or hear difficult things, the willingness to be honest with our partners AND ourselves is vital if we want these conversations to be productive. 

If you are currently in a new relationship and you recognize that you’re in the throes of NRE, or even question whether or not you are, take some time to pull yourself out of it long enough to acknowledge where you are and ask your partner how THEY are feeling about the situation.

If they can HONESTLY tell you they are good. Then AWESOME!  

However, the conversation shouldn’t end there.

Ask them what you can do (or maybe should stop doing) to make sure they know you love and treasure them and your relationship.

LISTEN to any requests that may come up. If they are reasonable and healthy NRE-navigating requests, then I would highly suggest you work to comply with those requests.

Healthy NRE-Navigating requests examples:

• Putting the phone down during meals you are having together.
• Putting the phone down during date time.
• Not picking the phone up right after sex.
• Carving out quality time to spend with each other (during which the phone is put away).
• Helping out more around the house.
• Making sure the other partner gets free time to go out with friends, partners, family, or just some good ole solo time (especially if there are kids involved).
• Checking in on a more regular basis.
• Leaving love notes for each other
• Stepping up the compliments
• Whatever speaks to each other’s Love Language

None of these are unreasonable requests and they don’t have to cost you a penny.

If you find out that your partner has no other requests other than to keep doing what you are doing, CONGRATULATIONS!!! You probably don’t need this blog entry.

My only suggestion would be to still check in every once in a while.

If you feel that any of your partner’s requests are unreasonable, then instead of blowing up, get RESPECTFULLY CURIOUS.

Try to find out why your partner is making that request.  There’s a pretty good chance they are feeling a little (maybe a lot) insecure.  At that point, it is time to roll up your sleeves and figure out why your partner is feeling insecure, and what you can do to help change that.

If things start to get very heated, hit the pause button and go to your separate corners until you can BOTH come back to the table ready to listen to each other.

If that doesn’t work, enlisting the help of a polyamorous-friendly coach or therapist may be your next best move, because that is a good indication that there is a lot more going on within your relationship that needs to be carefully looked at and perhaps re-evaluated.

If you are the one whose partner is blinded by or drowning in NRE and you are feeling upset, insecure, frustrated, isolated, lonely, or a myriad of any other sucky feelings, then take some time to reflect, dig deep, and figure out what the root cause of those feelings may be and what your partner could REASONABLY do to help you feel better.

Are you envious that your partner has a new relationship and you don’t?  It’s a tough question to answer sometimes.  I’ve felt that envy and it sucks. But that’s on YOU, NOT your partner and their new partner.  They shouldn’t be denied happiness just because you don’t have something similar happening on your end with someone else.

Is the emotional cup shared with your partner full?

I have two emotional cups: one that is my and John’s responsibility to keep full; and one that is my and Tim’s responsibility.  Tim cannot fill the one that is John and my responsibility any more than John can fill the one I share with Tim. I’ve tried.  It doesn’t work.

Maybe it’s time to revisit your Love Languages (most of us have more than one). 

And I know this is a tough question to ask yourself, but are YOU speaking YOUR PARTNER’S Love Language to THEM? Are you at least trying to?

Next, it’s time to sit your partner down for what could be a very difficult conversation.

However, it does NOT have to get ugly. It can be INCREDIBLY productive and it could maybe even go much smoother than you are worried about.

Delivery is everything, Beloveds.

Instead of blasting into your partner with accusations, try starting the conversation in a way similar to this:

I can see that you are really excited about your relationship with (XYZ). I am genuinely excited for you and very supportive of you and XYZ.  I have also been feeling [frustrated, lonely, insecure, etc] and I need more [quality time, affection, compliments, help with the house, etc] from you.  Can we please talk about what that could look like?

See how I kept that in “I” language?  Notice there are no accusations. There is acknowledgment of and support for how excited your partner is feeling with their new relationship.  You are on their side, wanting them to be happy.

It’s OKAY to have needs of your own. 

It is NOT okay to be disrespectful or abusive.

Chances are, your partner is so full of those NRE chemicals they have NO IDEA they are causing you harm and it’s the last thing they want to do.

So, approaching the conversation with love, respect, and support is important.  

If after calmly and respectfully making REASONABLE NRE-Navigating requests (please see above for a list of examples), your partner loses their shit or starts getting defensive, there may be some deeper issues at play.  

It’s okay to pause the conversation until everyone cools off.  Some people take an extra minute or few days to process less than positive feedback about their behavior and they may just need some time to process.

It’s possible your requests aren’t as reasonable as you thought and you may need to work together to find some middle-ground.

Again, a polyamory-friendly coach or counselor may be a good resource for one or both of you.

If your partner becomes disrespectful or abusive, it may be time for you to re-evaluate the whole relationship altogether.

In any conversation and any relationship, we just want to feel as though we are being seen, heard, AND VALUED. 

If either of you doesn’t feel this, then it’s time to take a HONEST look at BOTH of your behaviors and figure out TOGETHER what needs to happen.  Compromises may need to be made, boundaries may need to be created, but SOMETHING has to change.

Hold yourself accountable for your role in the situation.  Are you speaking up? Are you listening? Are you paying attention in general? What can YOU do to change YOUR behavior?

Remember, in any given situation, we can only control OURSELVES and OUR actions – no one else’s.

Ask for help if you need to. It’s okay. None of us are perfect and we are all just trying to figure it out as we go.  We can all make mistakes; we can all learn from those mistakes; and we can all do better.