…while hierarchies can provide a sense of security, they can also create feelings of neglect and resentment…

Polyamory is a fusion of the Greek word “poly” for many and the Latin word “amor” for love.

Polyamory, as it is used today, means that you are engaging in multiple, emotional, romantic relationships with multiple partners.

The umbrella of ethical non-monogamy houses multiple dynamics of what relationships can manifest as. 

Most in the Polyamory community will tell you that polyamory is less about sex and more about the emotional connections.

And while starting on a journey into the realm of Polyamory can be incredibly exciting, for established couples, there can also be a sense of fear rooted in insecurities. 

One of the ways many couples deal with these insecurities is to establish hierarchies.  

In this entry, we will explore the labyrinth of relationship hierarchies, and delve into their nuances, pitfalls, and the delicate balance between love’s expansiveness and the dangers of hierarchy.

In the world of Polyamory, relationship hierarchies often emerge as a means of structuring and prioritizing connections. While this can provide a sense of security, these same hierarchies can also harbor dangers, potentially fostering feelings of unimportance and possible inequalities within relationships.

I understand that those within established relationships want to feel they are a priority over new partners.  I’ve been there. The idea of your significant other having feelings for other people can be incredibly daunting.

Hierarchies aren’t inherently horrible.  Like anything else in our relationships, it is how we navigate through each situation.  

Some problems with hierarchy in relationships come when the “primary/secondary” dichotomy creates an environment where the “secondary” partner feels undervalued or neglected.  The secondary partner may sense that their feelings, needs, and desires aren’t as important or valid as their metamour’s feelings, needs, and desires.

With hierarchies, “couples’ privilege” can run rampant.  This is where the established couple often (if not always) puts each other’s needs and desires before everyone else’s with little to no regard for what other partners may be feeling or experiencing.

This is problematic in any relationship.

There is a delicate balance and great responsibility whenever you hold someone’s heart; in Polyamory, you could hold the hearts of multiple people. 

And that means you are responsible for making sure ALL of your partners feel seen, heard, and valued within your relationship for as long as that relationship lasts.

No one wants to invest their emotions and vulnerability into a relationship where they don’t feel like they are being seen, heard, or valued.

John’s needs are no more important to me than Tim’s needs.

There have been times when I have had to put some of John’s needs before Tim’s, and vice versa.  

And guess what?

My needs have to fit in there somewhere too.

I know there have been times when they both have felt like the “second fiddle”.

So how do you navigate it? How do you figure it out? How do you make sure everyone’s needs are met?

Communicate.

Honest, deep, vulnerable, possibly messy, but always respectful conversations.

If we don’t express our needs to our partners, how can we expect our partners to know all of them?

Believe it or not, even the most compassionate, intuitive, and empathetic of partners aren’t mind readers.

I came dangerously close to losing Tim because there wasn’t enough open, honest, vulnerable communication about needs that weren’t being met.  We’re still working through it almost two years later.

If we want our partners to hear and understand our needs, then we not only have to be courageous enough to speak those needs, but we also need to be receptive to hearing the needs of our partners.

Schedule some time with each of your partners and ask what they need from you in your relationship. Everyone is different. Everyone has different needs. 

Listen to them.

Have a respectful dialogue about what fulfilling their needs looks like for both of you.

Honestly evaluate what needs you can and cannot meet now.

What do you need from that partner and your relationship with them?

What does meeting those needs look like for you and your partner?

Give your partner the space and respect to evaluate what needs they can and cannot meet for the time being.

To be clear, this is not a one-and-done conversation. Our needs and desires change and grow as we change and grow; and as our relationships change and grow.

What started out and maybe held for years may no longer fulfill certain needs.

One of you may need more. One of you may need less. Your dynamic may need to shift.

You may never know unless you have those conversations.

For me, there is a sacredness to romantic relationships; and making the conscious decision to start walking on the Path of Polyamory, means you must navigate the often tricky, messy, and beautiful terrain with consciousness and care.

Remember that while hierarchies can provide a sense of security, they can also create feelings of neglect and resentment. We can cultivate relationships grounded in respect and love by fostering open, honest, and respectful conversation.