It’s natural and okay to have uncomfortable and difficult feelings like jealousy while navigating polyamorous relationships. It is all about how you handle those feelings and what you do as a result that can make or break your relationships and hearts.

While certainly not every “established” couple entering into polyamory started off as swingers, there are enough of you out there that I think it’s time to create this entry just for you.

Not every polyamorous couple started as swingers, and vice-versa.  Ethical non-monogamy is a big umbrella that covers several non-monogamous relationship dynamics. Each of these dynamics has its own subsets of ideas about how relationships within can manifest.

For example, some swingers only play in the same room; others separate; some enjoy bringing just one person in instead of swapping out with another couple.

Within the polyamorous community, countless adaptions fall under “polyamorous.”

It should also be noted that not all non-monogamous relationships are polyamorous.

Some would say that there is even some delineation between polyamory and open relationships because “polyamory” is about the emotional aspect of relationships and “open relationships” can mean anything from emotions to “meaningful one-night-stands.”

John and I started our non-monogamy journey “swinging.” It felt “safe.” We could explore some sexual fantasies and act on attractions without any of those pesky, messy emotions developing for other people.

While there were definitely some fun times with people we knew and cared about, there were plenty of not-so-awesome times.  Primarily on my end.

When we were with couples who played separately, more often than not, I felt sorry for the wife if my experience with her husband was anything like what she experienced regularly with him. It was like I was back in college, engaging with men who either didn’t know what they were doing or just didn’t care about my pleasure NEARLY as much as they cared about their own. It had been a long time since someone put their own sexual pleasure before mine. Most of these guys were just excited to be with someone besides their wives.

I hated it.

What I realized is that FOR ME, sex is usually much better if there’s SOME sort of connection other than a lot of alcohol, a physical attraction, and a conversation over dinner.

DON’T GET ME WRONG. There’s nothing wrong with that and I’m sure there are people out there who have had the best sex of their lives as a result of that type of situation. There have been a couple of times when I have had decent sex that way. But, a deeper connection has always made it so much better for me.

For us, making that decision to transition from a swinging couple to a polyamorous one seemed like the logical next step. 

There was no deceit or manipulation. There were honest discussions between John and me about what being polyamorous would look like for us.

Some of our “rules” were logical:

– Telling each other where we were going and with whom we were out

– Curfews

– Safe sex practices

– Keeping each other updated on our respective locations

– Family first

Other “rules” were naive and careless, and some of them were just plain gross:

– No over-nights AT ALL.

– NO EMOTIONS other than platonic

– If one of us says “end it” we end it. PERIOD. No exceptions

I’m sure there were more, but I don’t remember all of them because it was a very long time ago. Those three are bad enough on their own.

I know that on the surface, the “no over-nights” rule may not seem like an unreasonable request. But think about it… when you develop feelings for someone and really connect with them, do you want to have NO CHOICE but to get your stuff and be back home by a curfew, or do you want to at least have the option to stay all night long?

We could’ve said it was because of the kids, but we were both active parents, and neither minded handling the kids alone in the morning. An absence would have been easy enough to explain (remember, this was before we told our kids about our decision to become polyamorous.).

In reality, much of it had to do with insecurities.

Spending the night with a partner can be intimate, whether you’re curling up in each other’s arms all night, waking up throughout the night to have sex, having breakfast together, falling asleep curled up watching a movie, or engaging in other acts that you and your partner deem intimate.

Intimacy can lead to big feelings.

As neophytes in polyamory, either of us developing big feelings was absolutely terrifying. And DAMNIT! We had a rule: NO EMOTIONS OTHER THAN PLATONIC!

I’m going to say this once:

YOU. CANNOT. CONTROL. WHO. YOU. DEVELOP. FEELINGS. FOR.

The world would be a totally different place if we could choose who we fell in love with and who we didn’t. It doesn’t mean we can’t shove our emotions for someone deep down and never act on them, but that also doesn’t mean the feelings aren’t there.

As a polyamorous woman who is very much in love with two men, the idea of a partner (or anyone else for that matter) telling me who I can and cannot fall in love with or develop feelings for is a violation of who I am down to my core. It is a type of control and power over me that I will never again give away.

Telling anyone who they can and cannot develop feelings for is not only controlling but a complete violation of their autonomy as a person.

How can I say I love someone while denying them happiness or their feelings?

Fear and insecurities can do some nasty damage to our psyches, our intimate relationships, and our partners.

I know it’s scary. However, if you are transitioning into polyamory, you need to be brave and trust enough to know within your entire being that love is infinite, and it is possible to love more than one partner just as truly and deeply as you love another.

That love and relationship may look different than what you have with your “primary” partner, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t as deep and true as it is within your relationship with your “primary” partner.

To try and control the feelings you and your partner may develop for others could potentially lead to manipulation and deceit as either of you try to push down or hide what you are feeling for others. Manipulation and deceit can ultimately destroy the relationships and hearts of those we love most.

I don’t recommend it.

Some people can easily make the transition from swinging to polyamory. They may still ride the roller coaster of emotions that can sometimes happen when their “primary” partner starts dating someone else, develops feelings for them, and is swimming in NRE (New Relationship Energy).

John’s girlfriend (Anna) and her husband (Jimmy) are doing remarkably well as a new polyamorous couple transitioning from swinging. But emotions still run high sometimes. Jimmy still sometimes runs the gamut of feelings when Anna spends a couple of nights with John.

And that’s PERFECTLY NORMAL and OKAY! It’s okay to have those feelings as long as you explore them, get to the heart of them, and have open and honest conversations with your partner. I’ve written a few blogs with pointers on navigating difficult but open and honest conversations, so I’m not going to do it here. I’ll let you check those entries too if you need to.

I’ll say it again, it’s natural and okay to have uncomfortable and difficult feelings like jealousy while navigating polyamorous relationships. It is all about how you handle those feelings and what you do as a result that can make or break your relationships and hearts.

At no time is it okay to let your fears, jealousy, and insecurities dictate your relationships.  

At no time is it okay to manipulate or coerce your “primary” partner into any relationship dynamic they are not ready for – no matter the form of non-monogamy.

In conclusion, transitioning from swinging to polyamory can be a challenging but deeply rewarding journey. Embrace the emotions, communicate openly, and remember that love is infinite. By respecting each other’s autonomy and feelings, you can build fulfilling and enriching relationships.