“The holidays aren’t about perfection; they’re about connection. In polyamory, just as in life, it’s not about being everything to everyone—it’s about finding balance, embracing vulnerability, and making space for the love that truly matters.”

Ah, the holiday season. Whether you celebrate Christmas, Hanukkah, Yule, Kwanzaa, or something else entirely (or maybe nothing at all), we can all agree that this time of year can bring both joy and stress in equal measure (maybe with some anxiety and grief tossed in as well). There’s something about the energy of the season—whether it’s the pressure to make everything perfect, the chaos of family dynamics, or the deep desire to make it meaningful—it can leave us feeling stretched thin.

For those of us in polyamorous relationships, the holidays can feel like juggling flaming swords while trying to avoid stepping on too many emotional landmines. But hey, that’s life, right? And this time of year isn’t just about the gifts or the lights—it’s about the Love we give, the memories we create, and yes, sometimes the emotional work we have to put in to make it all work.

As someone who celebrates Yule (the rebirth of the Sun and Light), I’ve always found the end of the year to be a deeply Spiritual time. But let’s be real: it’s not always easy. Whether it’s about the Spiritual Rebirth of the Sun, honoring your Ancestors, or just taking time to reflect on the year past and prepare for the one ahead, a lot is happening, Spiritually and Emotionally, this time of year. And when you’re navigating multiple relationships, it can feel like you’re trying to fit everyone’s needs into a tiny stocking.

The Polyamorous Holiday Juggle: Love, Time, and Space

Here’s the thing: love may be limitless, but our time, energy, and finances are not. The holidays bring unique challenges, especially with multiple partners and families to juggle. Everyone has traditions, needs, and expectations—and it can be overwhelming trying to honor them all.

But here’s a secret: it’s okay to not be perfect. If your celebration isn’t Pinterest-worthy, if the cookies are burnt, or if you just couldn’t make it to every family event—that’s okay. This time of year isn’t about checking off every box or meeting every expectation; it’s about creating meaningful moments of connection. Whether you’re lighting candles for the Winter Solstice, sharing a meal with Loved Ones, or simply taking time to rest and reflect, the holidays are what you make of them.

For me, Yule is about honoring the Dark and the Light—the Yin and the Yang, if you will. In polyamory, this same balance applies. You can’t be everything to everyone and you don’t have to be. Acknowledge your needs, express them, and give yourself permission not to overextend. It’s all about balance, and you can only find that by being honest with yourself and your partners about what you need.

Communication: The Heart of It All

Let’s say it together: COMMUNICATION IS EVERYTHING. Whether dealing with family stress or partner expectations, respectful and honest communication is key to everyone feeling heard, seen, and valued. And I don’t mean just the practical “Hey, what time is dinner?” kind of communication. I’m talking about the deep stuff—the conversations where you admit that you’re feeling overwhelmed, or that you’re missing someone, or that you just need a little more affection to get through the chaos.

You know what’s not helpful? Expecting your partners to read your mind. Spoiler alert: They can’t. You’re feeling drained, stressed, or overwhelmed by your partner’s needs (or your family’s)? Say something. Are you struggling to divide your time between different partners? Say so. The beauty of polyamory is that it allows us to create relationships that work for us. But that can only happen if we communicate honestly about what we need AND listen to what our partners need.

Here’s the tough truth: If we don’t speak up about our needs, we can’t expect our partners to automatically know what’s wrong. And let’s not kid ourselves—being passive-aggressive about it or hoping they’ll “figure it out” is just going to lead to frustration on both sides. So, be upfront and honest. You may not always get what you want, but at least you’ll be heard, and that makes all the difference.

Vulnerability: Embrace the Mess

This time of year, we’re all a little extra vulnerable. The holidays have a way of digging up old emotions—such as grief, anxiety, loneliness, or stress of making sure everyone feels loved and supported. And if you’re like me, you might try to overcompensate by throwing yourself into “holiday perfection.” Decorations? Done. Gifts? Wrapped. Meal? Masterpiece. But deep down, I know it’s more about trying to make everyone feel seen and supported—because this time of year can be hard.

After the death of my brother, I threw myself into making the holidays magical for my family, hoping that if I could just create enough holiday cheer, it would fill the hole that grief had left behind. What I learned is that trying to perfect the holidays is like trying to fill a well with a leaky bucket. It doesn’t work. Vulnerability, though—that’s where the magic happens. When I stop pretending everything’s fine and admit that I’m struggling, that’s when the real connection happens. That’s when I’m able to really see my partners, my family, and myself. And that’s when healing begins.

You don’t have to be perfect to be worthy of love. The light can shine through the cracks, and those cracks—those messy, vulnerable parts of us—are what make us human. So, let go of trying to make everything just so and embrace the messy, the imperfect, the authenticity.

Finding Your Balance: Time, Affection, and Compromise

Here’s the thing about polyamory during the holidays: It’s all about balance—and balance isn’t a one-time thing. It’s an ongoing process. Some years, one partner might need more attention, and some years, it’s your family or friends. And sometimes, it’s you who needs more space or affection. But here’s the truth: you don’t always get what you want, and that’s okay.

John and I practice a kitchen-table style of polyamory, which means that Tim is welcome at all our family events, and I’ve been getting to know John’s girlfriend too. This isn’t always easy to navigate, especially when there are multiple family events to attend, but the key is honesty. John and I check in with each other. Tim and I do the same. And when we’re feeling stretched too thin, we express it, even if it means having difficult conversations.

It’s not always easy to strike the balance between your different relationships, and there are definitely moments when one person’s needs feel more urgent than another’s. But the goal is understanding. We can’t know what each other needs unless we ask unless we communicate openly, and unless we’re willing to compromise when the inevitable conflicts arise.

The Sacredness of the Mess

When I think about Yule and the Spiritual Energy of the season, I’m reminded that the Darkness is just as sacred as the Light. The Quiet, the Stillness, the time to Reflect on what has been and what is to come—these moments are vital to Growth. And during the holidays, when everything seems chaotic, it’s easy to forget that there’s power in the “Darkness”—the moments when we Pause, Reflect, and Listen to our deeper needs.

The same goes for relationships. There will be times when things feel hard, messy, or unbalanced—and that’s okay. Sometimes those hard moments are where the most Growth happens. So embrace the mess. Whether you’re celebrating the return of the Light at Yule, honoring your Ancestors at Hanukkah, or reflecting on the past year at Kwanzaa, know that there’s a Sacredness in the mess, in the Vulnerability, and in the Connections you create.

Final Thoughts: You’re Not Alone

Whether you’re navigating the complexities of polyamory, or simply trying to make it through the season, remember this: the holidays are what you make of them. It’s about celebrating Love, Joy, and Connection with the people who mean the most to you.

For me, it’s about weaving together the strands of chosen and biological family, old traditions and new ones, and making space for all the ways people show up in my life.

So, however, you celebrate (or don’t), remember that Love is limitless, but time and energy are precious, limited commodities. Be kind to yourself and your partners. Communicate openly, be vulnerable, and listen deeply. Most importantly, take a deep breath and give yourself permission to just be-even if it means you don’t have it all figured out.

Wishing you all a season filled with Love, Hope, and Grace. May your journey through the holidays be as gentle as it is bright.